30 August 2012

Channel 4's Alternative Deadline Day


DISCLAIMER: This article has no affiliation to Channel 4, nor has it been written, completely or partially, by any past, present or future employee of Channel 4.

INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL DEADLINE DAY
Here's how a Transfer Deadline Day for international football teams and players might pan out...
Jim White: "This has without doubt been THE most exciting deadline day in the history of deadline days! Let's cross to my colleague, Nick Collins, who's at Wembley. Any late moves from England, Nick?"
Nick Collins: "Indeed, Jim. The FA have today approached Germany with an offer to sign Mesut Ozil and Thomas Muller in exchange for Jordan Henderson and Andy Carroll. England are looking for purely a player-exchange deal, but the Germans are holding out for £1trillion and the FA's last shred of dignity."
Jim: "And what's this I've heard about Jack Butland leaving England?"
Nick: "Yes, this is bad news for Roy Hodgson... but excellent news for Stuart Pearce. Jack Butland has decided that enjoyed his loan spell with Great Britain so much that he has now signed a permanent four-year deal with Team GB, taking him up to the next Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro."
Natalie Sawyer: "Let's go to Bryn Law now, who has the latest news from Wales. Are these reports of Ronaldo arriving in Cardiff true, Bryn?"
Bryn Law: "No, these reports are wide off the mark, as Ronaldo is in fact undergoing a medical at Spain. One player that Chris Coleman has his eye on, though, is David Silva. That's after Gareth Bale sensationally handed in a transfer request as he aims to secure a big-money move to Italy."
Jim: "Thanks, Bryn. Let's now talk to my colleague Paul Gilmour in Belfast. Paul, my Gaelic friend, what's the latest on the Northern Ireland front?"
Paul Gilmour: "Well, I'm afraid this has been a terrible transfer window for Northern Ireland, who have lost almost their entire squad to those eejits across the border. In fact, the only northern players that the Republic haven't poached are Maik Taylor and Warren Feeney, but Taylor is in talks about a possible loan move to Luxembourg, so it could get worse for Michael O'Neill."
Jim: "Deary me. Now some HUGE breaking news coming into us right at this minute! And that is that Scotland have completed the signing of the Argentinean sensation Lionel... (checks earpiece) SCALONI!"
(Natalie laughs as Jim sits open-jawed in bemusement)
Natalie: "At least it's not another Englishman, eh, Jim! (Giggles) Let's go live now to Dharmesh Sheth, who has some interesting news coming out of Moldova. Good evening, Dharmesh!"

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON DEADLINE DAY
Mike Wedderburn: "Barry Silkman, what's it like to be a football agent on transfer deadline day?"
Barry Silkman: "LOADSAMONEY!!!"

David Craig: "This is David Craig, reporting live from the comfort of his own bed, as there will be absolutely no transfer news in the north-east today."

Jamie Weir:
"Daniel Levy, will Tottenham do any business today?"
Daniel Levy: "No."
Jamie: "Thanks a lot. I postponed by washing machine delivery for this!" 

Simon Thomas: "I hear that one of Wigan's star players wants to leave the club. Is that right, Fraser?"
Fraser Dainton: "Yes it is. Sam Tomkins has today demanded a transfer."

Bryan Swanson: "Er, guys, do you have any idea how to work this magic TV screen?"

Bryan Swanson: "We've just got some exclusive transfer news from a credible source. The source has told Sky Sports News, sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air, I know I can count on you. Sometimes I feel like saying, Lord I just don't care, but you've got the love I need to see me through."

Bryan Swanson: "Now rumour has it... she ain't got your love anymore."

James Cooper: "Big transfer news involving City... Bradford City, that is."

Dan Walker: "You're watching the BBC's coverage of Transfer Deadline Day. That's right. Just you."

Joey Barton on Twitter:
"I only want to play for Alfreton Town. This is the place for me. My heart is already in North Street."

David Garrido: "Next up on Sky Sports News HD, it's the king and queen of Deadline Day. It's the sexiest, most gorgeous presenter in the history of Sky Sports News HD... and Natalie Sawyer."

Jim White: "You never hear of the undisclosed fee nowadays, do you, Natalie?"

Jim White: "It's coming up to 11 o'clock, the end of the transfer window. Normally we'd show you a video of Big Ben, but instead, we're going to take you live to Gareth Bale's basement, where he is about to hang himself after failing to get his dream transfer to Real Madrid."

Natalie Sawyer: "Everton were the biggest spenders in the final day of the transfer window."

Natalie Sawyer: "You do realise, Jim, that the Russian transfer window doesn't end until 6 September."
Jim White: "Join Natalie and myself on Thursday night for Russian deadline day, live from Moscow! All of the latest transfer dealings from behind the iron curtain!"

TRANSFER WINDOW JOKES
A selection from myself...
Chelsea have ended their interest in Atletico Madrid striker Radamel Falcao after talks between John Terry and Falcao's wife broke down.

Michael Owen and Owen Hargreaves will both be out of action for several months after falling out of the transfer window.

Arsenal have sold their top goalscorer to Manchester United - Wojciech Szczesny.

After signing Chico, Swansea City boss Michael Laudrup has lined up two more new players: Wagner, and Eoghan Quigg.

Breaking News: Natalie Sawyer has passed a fitness test.

And a selection from others...
Apparently Emile Heskey is in talks to join Rangers. Never knew the SFA imposed a goal scoring ban on them as well.

Michael Owen going to Stoke. I assume with his record that's Mandeville and not City.

Manchester United are set to sign Dracula as a replacement for underperforming David de Gea. According to the club's goalkeeper coach, he can handle crosses better.

Manchester City fan: Tevez update?
Dale Johnson from ESPN Soccernet: Three under par going into the back nine.

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